Since no one has yet forked over their X-mas cash to us in response to my offer to craft your personal philosophy, I’m writing one for a semi-randomly chosen needy celebrity, selected because of her hotness and because she’s not quite so famous that she wouldn’t potentially have a Google alert out on herself: Gigi Edgly, shown here in freaky Farscape make-up, in which she played an alien who acts kind of like a meth addict.
So here’s the philosophy, and note my newly standard fine print at the end which YOU will receive if you order one of these things for yourself or a loved one:
Gigi Edgley’s Personal Philosophy*
I believe that it’s OK to worship something so long as it will worship you back, which is just simple politeness. Consequently, my basement features a “Temple to 10,000 Nerds,” though the actual number 10,000 is an estimation which is revised quarterly based on Farscape DVD sales.
I believe that worshiping creates a love tube in space and time that mingles the essences of you and your reciprocal worshipers, who for this purpose can be considered gods (though ONLY for this purpose; no actual immortality is implied here except through the non-specificity of time itself which implies an immortality of all not only through love tube participation but also just through our participation in the various concepts under which we fall, e.g. an individual nerd’s relation to the general class “nerd,” which is atemporal). So whenever I want to mingle some essences, I just mosey on down to the temple and just mingle the bejezzus out of that thing, and I tell you, I can god-damn (me-damn/nerd-damn) mingle that thing until it can’t take any more mingling, until it’s just mingled to its constituent atoms.
*This personal philosophy should not in any way be taken to reflect the actual, current views or predilections of this person, though, given that it was crafted JUST for him or her, he or she should really feel obliged to adopt this philosophy out of politeness if not actual gratitude.