A Mr. Steve Williams from Melbourne has commissioned a Personal Philosophy for his brother Michael, presumably in lieu of an actual Christmas gift, so I am rushing this one out to him instead of spending Christmas Eve time with my family. You're welcome!
Michael Williams's Personal Philosophy*
My philosophy is derived mostly from my cat, I think. Cats have a special insight into things. They don't take shit from nobody. They're independent. My cat will just NOT come when I call it. I don't even think it knows it has a name, or distinguishes me from anyone else, or even from furniture.
My cat is really worldly and wise. It knows that life is hard, that the world eventually runs you over with a green Kia with a dented rear fender. My cat knows that there is no justice, that the evils of life will just drive away scot-free even if you do get the first two letters of their license plate, and really, how many Kias with Tasmania plates are there around here anyway? My cat knows that existence is an endless, repetitive cycle of eating and shitting, and then you die.
Ah, kitty. Maybe I should bury you.
*This personal philosophy should not in any way be taken to reflect the actual, current views or predilections of this person, though, given that it was crafted JUST for him or her, he or she should really feel obliged to adopt this philosophy out of politeness if not actual gratitude.