It’s the holiday season again, and time for you to give the gift of a custom-made Personal Philosophy!.
Per last year’s rules, if you donate $20 or more to P.E.L. starting today (OK, recent big donors can e-mail me and request this w/o an additional donation), you are entitled to a Personal Philosophy written to/about a loved one, hated one, yourself, or a celebrity. Give one for an office Secret Santa gift! You can send me some information about this person for me to skew or just let me make up some bullshit, and I can use the person’s real name or an alias or, as in this post (making fun of one of my own sentiments), use a non-specific attribution.
The Reluctant Carnivore’s Personal Philosophy*
In a different society, I would definitely be a vegetarian. I mean, I know that growing all that grain to feed the animals is an inefficient use of our environmental resources, and I certainly feel bad for the animals and their tiny tiny cages and their bored, dread-filled, meaningless lives, but people keep serving me meat, and I like it, and I don’t like soy or those other weird things.
In a different world, my friends wouldn’t be all “what, are you too SQUARE to eat this brisket?” And I would not cry at having to palm the jerky passed around at parties. If suicidal turkeys didn’t constantly “friend” me on Facebook and text me messages like “r u eting me 2day r wut?” then I wouldn’t be so weak. I know that it’s wrong to sneak into my neighbor’s house and suck an inconspicuous amount of blood from his dog’s juicy thy every fortnight, but it’s just SO CONVENIENT! (I mean he’s RIGHT NEXT DOOR!)
And fast food: if I didn’t use the drive-thrus, with those restaurants that drench even their salads in hot horse blood, then I’d just about never eat, I’m so busy! If we lived in a society of Super-men who could take their energy from the sun alone, then I wouldn’t have to tithe 15% of my income to factory farms so as to get my daily giblets delivered in those red envelopes from NetGiblets. If only I was not cast by nature as being the highest link on the food chain, I would not have to eat every single thing decreed by God as beneath me until every last one of them crawly, swimmy, squawky, furry, scampery, blubbery, night-winged, otiose, bandesnatchine buggers was crammed down my gullet, leaving the world a barren husk!
Well, maybe next year.
*This personal philosophy should not in any way be taken to reflect the actual, current views or predilections of this person, though, given that it was crafted JUST for him or her, he or she should really feel obliged to adopt this philosophy out of politeness if not actual gratitude.