Longtime readers may recall a flurry of so-called Personal Philosophies let loose from this site ’round the end of old ’10. While every one of these was cherished and beloved and wrapped in a special extra-thick paper and put in the bottom of an ornate chest and filed under “H” for “heirloom,” that does not mean that everyone liked the idea of a web site attributing something offensive or silly to them.
So I’m rebranding this to make it clear right here in the not-fine print that these screeds are not to be mistaken for the actual alleged beliefs of the recipient/target, but are rather a special gift, a free service, providing a philosophy to said individual, which does not imply that this individual is in need of this service or would be dumb enough to adopt this, or that the philosophy in question is meant to comment on his or her character, visage, or soul.
In gratitude, I of course immediately overstepped my proper bounds to hit her up to be a guest on the show. I will accept the indefinite deferral she sent in response as better than a rejection; this was a favorite romantic coping mechanism in my younger years.
A Personal Philosophy for Lucy Lawless
I believe that we evolved to deal with small groups of individuals–extended families or tribes–and so can’t really cope with the vast numbers of people out there. We can’t process them as individuals, but instead feel the need to in some way reject them as a group as unimportant to us.
At the same time, we are wired for drama, for narrative, for fascination, and so readily pick up on stories of the remote and fabulous, which historically became mythologies, and then religions.
Modern communications have combined these tendencies into our current ideas of celebrity. We pick out a small number of individuals brought to us by mass communications and bring them into our social circle; these particular strangers matter while the rest of them don’t. Moreover, since these celebrities are brought to us as personally inaccessible, they acquire the characteristics of myth. Celebrities are literally today’s gods according to our own inborn wiring.
As an enlightened individual, I want nothing to do with this. Consequently, I deny the existence of celebrities. These stories of “Tom Hanks” and “Julia Roberts” are surely the dreams of errant madmen! “Dave Chappelle” and “Demi Moore” are surely just stratagems of the oppressor class to keep us lulled into passivity!
Don’t insult me with talk of your “Suzanne Summers” and your “Regis Philbin,” because I’m not buying into that crap! I will not believe in your so-called “Noah Wylie” nor your “Jackée” nor your “Anthony Michael Hall!” Surely alleged sightings of “Bruce Jenner” are merely tricks of the light, and “Soleil Moon Frye” merely an hallucination brought upon by a bad piece of beef! Away with your illusions, charlatans! I reject your false divinities in favor of the tangible, the concrete, the real, and the true…
Peter Jackson, that is. (I’ve sacrificed a goat to him to entreat him to cast me as the sultry voice of Smaug in the upcoming Hobbit movie.)