“Lysistrata” w/ Lucy Lawless, Emily Perkins, Erica Spyres, Bill Youmans & Aaron David Gleason

0:06 Mark: Hey, folks, you're listening to the Partially Examined Life Players performance of Lysistrata, the ancient Greek comedy by Aristophanes, first performed in Classical Athens in 411 BC. My name is Mark Linsenmayer talking to you from Madison, Wisconsin. Let's go around. First, our regular podcasters.

0:26 Seth: This is Seth Paskin, deeply hurt in Austin, Texas.

0:30 Wes: This is Wes Alwan in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

0:33 Dylan: This is Dylan Casey in Madison, Wisconsin.

0:35 Mark: So we all basically just play people from the chorus. Seth is also a sentry. I'm the chorus leader.

0:40 Wes: But we also have real actors.

0:43 Seth: Yes, real famous people.

0:45 Mark: First playing Lysistrata, I'm Lucy Lawless, sweating

0:48 Lucy: it out in Auckland, New Zealand.

0:50 Mark: Then playing the magistrate of the city, and later in the play as the Athenian ambassador.

0:56 Seth: This is Bill Youmans fervently anti war in New York City.

1:00 Mark: And the leader of the old women's chorus, as well as Lysistrata's friends Kalonike and other parts.

1:06 Erica: This is Erica Spyres, also in New York City.

1:09 Mark: Then as the young wife Myrrhine, as well as a Spartan woman, Lampito, and other parts.

1:14 Emily: This is Emily Perkins spreading her wool out on the bed in Vancouver, B.C.

1:21 Mark: and finally as the Athenian man, Rod, and then later the Spartan ambassador.

1:26 Aaron: This is Aaron David Gleason from the imaginary province of Tarrytown, Sleepy Hollow.

1:32 Mark: All right, so we will put links to biographies for all those people. You can look up all the wonderful things they've done so we can just get to the play. So this is a cold read. This is not a rehearsed performance. This is the first time we've talked as a group. Some of us have been hanging around here for the last half hour, sort of shooting the shit a bit. But other than that, we've never read these words to each other before, so. So lower your expectations.

1:57 Aaron: That's all I'm saying.

2:00 Dylan: Should we make any introduction to the play itself, Mark, or do you want to just dive right in?

2:05 Mark: Go ahead, introduce the play, Dylan.

2:07 Dylan: So as Mark said, this play was first produced in 411 BC. It's a comedy by Aristophanes. There are a couple things, context wise, that are worth knowing. In 411 BC, the Athenians and the Spartans were in the middle of a big war, the Peloponnesian War. And the Athenians had this big expedition to Sicily, which had been a complete disaster. So there was a lot of political upheaval at the time. One of the ways in which you could voice political discontent was through comedy. And Aristophanes was decidedly against the war. And this is one of the ways in which he voiced that.

It is also worth knowing that women had no role whatsoever in the running of the city. And so the fact that they would have an upheaval against the. The city was a big deal. And it's also worth noting there are two basic plot lines which it's not without having it on stage. I think it can be a little bit unclear to see that on the one hand, there's a strike that goes on, and on the other hand, there is a taking over of the treasury, the temple, by the older women, which sort of go hand in hand with each other. Another thing worth knowing is that despite this being a play with lots of women, all the characters would have been played by old men, or men at

3:28 Wes: least, and everyone would be wearing a mask.

3:31 Dylan: Everyone wearing masks. And it's, as you'll see, very crude. And there would be lots of crude gestures and stage props, so lots of phalluses and stuff like that going on.

3:44 Wes: So the Spartans are actually, at this point, have a garrison near Athens. They've occupied. I think that's not very far away. I mean, Athens is actually in peril. That's interesting context for a play like this, a comedy based on that premise.

3:59 Dylan: Like a lot of comedy, there are a lot of sort of local events that are referred to. I think it'd be sort of hard to watch Saturday Night Live a thousand years from now without knowing some of the context of the impersonations. But one of the events that's referred to is the defacing of the Hermes as part of the Eleusinian Mysteries. So around Athens, in front of houses, they had these statues of Hermes that often had erect phalluses on them. And a group of people went through in the night and defaced them by lopping off the phalluses. And that was a huge, huge deal. A great sacrilege. No one knew who did it, and if they ever figured it out, they would have done very bad things to them. Though it was suspected that one of the generals involved in the Sicilian expedition, Alcibiades, was one of the ringleaders of that defacing.

4:55 Wes: Yeah.

4:56 Dylan: There are two last things I think are worth noting. You'll hear in the play some different accents, and it'll sound a little contrived, but it's worth noting that the Spartans themselves were represented in the play as having a very, very thick dialect. In fact, the play's written with the Spartans speaking in a complete different dialect than the Athenian. So it would be the way it's represented in the play and typically in translation is you have a very, very thick version of a foreign accent in the play.

5:28 Lucy: That's cool. Thank you for that.

5:32 Wes: This particular translation chooses the Russian accent.

5:35 Dylan: The Russian accent. Yes. We're using the translation by Jeffrey Henderson. He's the William Goodwin Aurelio Professor of Greek at Boston University. And he kindly gave us permission to use it as well, which was really nice of him. The last thing is there is a scene in which there is an unspoken character towards the end which is referred to as a map. There are characters pointing out features on that map. And that character is a young woman naked on the stage, who is painted with different features of a map. Knowing that context will make that seem much more clear to you. And of course, that young woman was an old man dressed as a young woman.

6:17 Seth: But there you go.

6:19 Lucy: He would have had to tuck, wouldn't he?

6:23 Wes: They would wear basically body suits, right?

6:26 Dylan: Yes. Because that makes it better.

6:30 Mark: We don't know what the stage directions were. Those are not the kind of things. In fact, even the division between the speakers is not in the original Greek. That those are always added by the translator. But we do know that this kind of play, generally there were three people for this play. There were maybe four or five that would switch between. So they could do all the. So we're actually still, even with this many people, going to be doing more than one part for the most part, which should be mostly obvious from context. Do any of our guests have any introductory words?

6:59 Seth: Just a little point of trivia. The comic chorus was originally 24 people. And aristophanes had an innovation of splitting them into the men's chorus versus the women's chorus. The men's chorus representing war and the women's chorus representing peace. So he split the chorus in two. That was a first, I think, for this play. I may be wrong about that.

7:21 Wes: Interesting.

7:23 Dylan: And the way we're rendering it is we've rendered individual people playing those chorus voices. In particular, it's mainly me and Wes

7:31 Mark: and Aaron is doing some of them.

7:33 Seth: Yeah, right. And that's often done in modern productions of Greek plays, of which there aren't many. The chorus is often just one person

7:41 Wes: and assigned to people who can't act. That's.

7:45 Seth: Nobody can act Greek.

7:47 Lucy: I think their acting was all about the voice anyway.

7:50 Seth: Right.

7:51 Lucy: That it was not about sets and whiz bang devices. It was all about the voice, I believe. And those masks, if you see them, because they're so contoured, there's so much relief in them, the masks are remarkably expressive. With body language and with the play of light on the contour of it. They really do look sad and happy and angry. You know, those masks are really flexible for something made of wood.

8:15 Seth: They also functioned like megaphones, so they amplified people's voices.

8:19 Lucy: Oh, wow.

8:21 Seth: Wow.

8:21 Dylan: I didn't know that.

8:22 Lucy: That's cool. Amazing. All right, shall we?

8:29 Mark: We begin our story on a street in Athens, in front of the Citadel of the Acropolis. Lysistrata,

8:38 Lucy: if I'd invited them to drink some wine or talk about the kids, or go out dancing, you'd hear the sound of high heels everywhere. But now there's not a single wife in sight. Ah, well, here's my next door neighbour anyway. Hi, Kalonike.

8:53 Erica: Hi to you, Lysistrata. Hey, why the dirty looks? Cheer up, kiddo. Don't frown. You'll wrinkle up your pretty face.

9:00 Emily: I'm really angry, Kalonike.

9:02 Lucy: Deeply hurt, in fact. Offended. By the wives? By us. Because according to our husbands, we're the best at clever scheming.

9:10 Erica: That's the truth.

9:11 Lucy: But when I tell them all to meet me here to scheme about the most important things, they're sleeping in and don't show up.

9:17 Erica: They'll show. It's not so easy getting out this early. We've got to do our husbands little favors. We've got to get the servants out of bed. We've got to wash and feed and burp the kids.

9:27 Lucy: Yeah, but they've got more important things to do than those, huh?

9:31 Erica: Okay, Lysistrata. Suppose you tell me why we're meeting here. The deal. Is it a big one?

9:37 Lucy: Very big.

9:40 Erica: Not hard as well?

9:42 Lucy: Oh, very hard.

9:44 Erica: Then why aren't we all here?

9:46 Lucy: No, no, not that. If it were that, they'd come. It's something I've been thinking hard about on sleepless nights. I've tossed it back and forth.

9:55 Erica: I guess it must be pretty limp by now.

9:57 Lucy: Oh, it's limp alright. So limp that the salvation of all Greece lies in the women's hands.

10:03 Erica: In women's hands. We're goners then. For sure.

10:06 Lucy: The nation's fate is in our hands alone. The very existence of the Spartan people.

10:10 Erica: It's best they don't exist, in my opinion.

10:13 Lucy: And all of Thebes? Completely obliterated.

10:16 Erica: Not all of Thebes. Please save the caviar.

10:19 Lucy: And I don't even want to mention Athens. You know what I could say? You fill it in. But all the women. If there'd only come the Theban women and the Spartan women. And us all together we could rescue Greece.

10:33 Erica: But what can women do that's sensible or grand? We're good at putting on makeup, designer clothes and wigs and necklaces, imported gowns and fancy lingerie.

10:43 Lucy: And that's exactly what will save us all. The little gowns, the perfumes and the slippers that make up the see through lingerie.

10:50 Erica: And how do you figure that?

10:52 Lucy: No man alive will want to lift his spear against another.

10:56 Erica: I guess I better go and buy some clothes.

10:58 Lucy: Or lift his shield.

11:00 Erica: I'll put my best dress on.

11:01 Lucy: Or draw his sword.

11:03 Erica: I've got to buy some slippers.

11:05 Lucy: So don't you think the women should have come?

11:07 Erica: Have come? They should have taken wings and flown.

11:11 Lucy: But look around. Our fellow Athenians are late as always. Chronically delayed. But I'd have thought the women from the beach towns and the islands.

11:19 Erica: Lighten up. I know they're coming. The island girls are good at riding topside.

11:25 Lucy: But what about the woman from that town that's always being burnt? I thought that they'd be the first.

11:30 Erica: That shipping magnate's wife, at any rate, is coming. She packed her schooner. But look, I see some women coming now.

11:39 Lucy: Oh, and there's another bunch.

11:41 Erica: But what's that smell? What's their town?

11:44 Lucy: Garlicville.

11:45 Erica: I might have guessed. They must have walked right through it on their way.

11:50 Emily: I hope we're not too late, Lysistrata. Well, what's the matter?

11:55 Lucy: I'm not happy, Myrrhine, when one is late for such important meetings.

11:59 Emily: I couldn't find my girdle. It was dark. But now we're here. So tell us what's important.

12:05 Lucy: Let's cool our heels a little while longer until the Thebans and the Spartans have a chance to get here. Sure, let's wait.

12:12 Emily: You're running things. Hey, hold it. Here's the Spartan Lampito now.

12:18 Lucy: Lampito, darling, welcome. Greetings from us all. What a gorgeous specimen. You lovely thing. What healthy skin. What firmness of physique. You could take on a bull is not impossible.

12:30 Emily: I go to gym, I make my buttocks hard.

12:35 Erica: I've never seen a pair of boobs like that.

12:38 Emily: You feel them? Like blue ribbon ox. You think?

12:42 Lucy: And this young lady here, well, where's she from?

12:46 Emily: Distinguished comrade, from collective farm of Thebes. I knew she had to be from Thebes. She looks so natural and organic.

12:54 Erica: Yes, her organs have a cultivated look.

12:57 Lucy: And who's this one? Representative from Gulf.

13:01 Erica: She's got some pretty gulfs herself. Here's one in front. And here's another one.

13:07 Emily: Well, who convenes this revolutionary cell of women?

13:12 Lucy: I did.

13:13 Emily: Please do tell us then. Agenda of the meeting?

13:17 Erica: Yes, my dear, we would all like to know what's so important.

13:20 Lucy: I'll tell you in a sec. But first I'll ask you all a little question.

13:24 Erica: Go ahead.

13:26 Lucy: The fathers of your kids, they're off at war. You miss them, right? I know that each of you have got a husband fighting in the war.

13:33 Erica: My husband's been away for five whole months. The northern front. He's guarding his lieutenant.

13:39 Emily: Mine's in the south. Been gone for seven months. And mine? No sooner he come home from war, he take his shield and mobilize again.

13:47 Lucy: And how about our lovers? They're gone too. And since we don't get imports here anymore, we can't even buy a decent 12 inch dildo. It's not the real thing, but at least it's something. So, are you ready? If I had a plan in mind to help me end the war, by

14:03 Erica: God I am ready. I'd even pawn my best designer jeans and use the proceeds only to celebrate.

14:08 Emily: And you could cut me up just like a pizza. And everyone would get a slice of it. And I would climb the highest spartan mountain. From there I see where they have hidden peace.

14:22 Lucy: All right, I'll tell you. No need keeping secrets. Well, women, if we're really serious and want to make our husbands end the war, we must swear off.

14:31 Erica: Off what?

14:32 Lucy: You'll do it?

14:33 Erica: Then we'll do it even if it means our death.

14:38 Lucy: All right, here goes. We've got to swear off fucking. Hey, hey, where are you going? What's this backing off? You shake your heads, you make a pickle face. Oh, how come you're all so pale? How come you're crying? Are you with me or not? What do you want to do?

14:55 Erica: I'm out. I guess I'll let the war drag on me too.

14:59 Emily: I guess I'll let the war drag on.

15:02 Lucy: This from you, Ms. Pizza. You just said you wanted us to slice you up in pieces.

15:07 Erica: If there's anything else at all, that's fine. Through fire I would even walk. But as for fucking, no, there's nothing like it. Dear Lysistrata. And you, I guess I'll walk through fire too.

15:22 Lucy: Oh, what a low and shameless race are we. No wonder men write tragedies about us. We're nothing but a diaper and a bed. But Lampito, comrade, surely you'd be willing. If you alone would join me, we could do it. What do you say?

15:37 Emily: It is definitely hard for Women to sleep alone without the penis. But nevertheless we must. We need the peace.

15:46 Lucy: Oh, dearest comrade, manliest of women.

15:49 Erica: Look, if we really swear off what you say, which, God forbid, would that be really likely to bring peace?

15:58 Lucy: I'm absolutely positive. If we go home and get ourselves made up and slip on one of our imported gowns with nothing underneath and show some crotch, our husbands will get hard and want to screw. But if we keep away and don't go near them, then they'll soon have enough to make peace. You have my word.

16:16 Emily: Remember Helen of Troy, whose warrior husband looked at her naked tits and dropped his sword?

16:22 Erica: But what if our husbands pay us no attention?

16:25 Lucy: As the saying goes, you've got to use your head.

16:28 Erica: But that's no good. I wouldn't stoop to that. And they might resort to violence. Drag us off to the bedroom.

16:34 Lucy: Then you'll have to grab the door jam.

16:36 Erica: And if they beat us up?

16:38 Lucy: Then don't cooperate. Men don't enjoy it when they have to force you and make them suffer otherwise as well. They'll give. There's never been a happy man who doesn't have a peaceful married life.

16:50 Erica: If you and Lampito want to, so do I.

16:54 Emily: So I am sure that we persuade our men for peace with honor. Nothing up the sleeve, but Athenians are a democratic mob. How you propose to get them to agree?

17:06 Lucy: Don't worry, I'll take care of the Athenians.

17:08 Emily: But the military and industrial complex. Your capital funds stored on the citadel.

17:14 Lucy: I'll tell you what. I've anticipated that we're seizing the whole citadel today. The old woman took on that assignment. They'll pretend to have a religious business here. And they're at it now, while we conclude our plans.

17:26 Emily: I must admit your plan sounds quite complete.

17:30 Lucy: Then, Lampito, let's swear an oath without delay. And then our plan will be official.

17:34 Emily: Propose the oath and we will all swear to it.

17:38 Lucy: All right then. Officer S. Where is she? Wake her up. Put down your shield. There. No, the other way. Now someone get a victim.

17:47 Erica: Say, Lysistrata, what sort of oath is this?

17:50 Lucy: Sort of oath? A slaughter and a shield. Like tragic ones, the fatted calf.

17:54 Erica: You know we can't do that. We shouldn't use a shield if we want peace.

17:59 Lucy: What's your suggestion, smarty?

18:01 Erica: I suggest we get a full grown cock and slaughter that.

18:06 Lucy: Ugh, You've got a one track mind.

18:09 Erica: But then what will we swear on?

18:12 Lucy: Something's hit me. Want to hear? Let's chuck the shield and get a giant wine glass and Slaughter a giant bottle of red Bordeaux and swear we'll never fill the glass with water.

18:22 Emily: Oh, Dar, one cannot quarrel with that oath.

18:25 Lucy: So. Someone get the bottle and the glass.

18:28 Emily: Oh God. Girls, take a look at all that glassware.

18:32 Erica: And just to touch this bottle makes me come.

18:36 Emily: So.

18:36 Lucy: Put it down. Join hands now, everyone. O goddess of persuasion, conspiratorial glass, receive this offering from the wives. Amen.

18:47 Erica: Behold the color of the gurgling blood.

18:50 Emily: Perceive the sweetness of its fair aroma. I'd like to be the first to take the oath.

18:57 Erica: Hey, not so fast. You've got to wait your turn.

19:00 Lucy: No. All hands on the glass. You also, Lampito.

19:04 Wes: Ah.

19:04 Lucy: Let one of you repeat the oath I make. And everybody else swear her allegiance. I won't allow my lover or my husband.

19:12 Erica: I won't allow my lover or my husband.

19:15 Lucy: To get near me with a hard on. I can't hear you.

19:20 Erica: To get near me with a hard on. Oh my God. My knees are getting weak, Lysistrata.

19:25 Lucy: At home my life will be completely chaste.

19:28 Erica: At home my life will be completely chaste.

19:31 Lucy: I'll wear my sexiest dresses in cosmetics.

19:34 Erica: I'll wear my sexiest dresses and cosmetics.

19:38 Lucy: To make my man as horny as can be.

19:40 Erica: To make my man as horny as can be.

19:43 Lucy: But never will I willingly give in.

19:45 Erica: But never will I willingly give in.

19:48 Lucy: And if he should get his way by violence.

19:51 Erica: If he should get his way by

19:53 Lucy: violence, I'll simply lie there, uncooperative.

19:56 Erica: I'll simply lie there uncooperative.

19:59 Lucy: I will not wrap my legs around his back.

20:02 Erica: I will not wrap my legs around his back.

20:05 Seth: No.

20:05 Lucy: Nor will I crouch down like a lioness.

20:08 Erica: Nor will I crouch down like a lioness.

20:10 Lucy: As I drink this wine, so will I keep this oath.

20:15 Erica: As I drink this wine, so will I keep this oath.

20:19 Lucy: But if I break it, may the wine be water.

20:23 Erica: But if I break it, may the wine be water.

20:26 Lucy: So say you, one and all.

20:27 Emily: I.

20:28 Erica: So say we all.

20:30 Lucy: Alright, I'll do the honors.

20:33 Erica: Just make sure you take your share. We must have solidarity.

20:43 Lucy: What's that? The signal. As I said before. The ladies who would seize the citadel. They've done it already. Listen, Lampito. Return to Sparta now and start the strike. And leave these women here as hostages. The rest of us will enter the citadel and. And lock the gates and barricade ourselves.

20:59 Erica: But don't you think the men will try to stop us and pretty quickly?

21:03 Lucy: They don't worry me. They'll come with torches, shouting and making threats. But they can't make us open up these gates until they promise to honour

21:11 Erica: our demands by sex in love, they can't. For otherwise we're nothing but a weak and gutless gender.

21:21 Mark: And now the scene shifts. A bunch of old men come in. Come on, Sergeant, get a move on. Even if you're shoulders raw Hefting all this heavy wood and dragging all of it uphill.

21:37 Wes: Incredible and shocking too for wives to act like this. We fed and clothe them. Now we find they're dirty terrorists. They seize the city treasury and offices of state they occupy our holy ground and won't unlock the gate.

21:51 Mark: Butts in gear, men. Double time it put them right against the gate. Then we'll stack them all around it, Sealing in the enemy troops Every single female traitor party to this coup d'. Etat. Then we'll make a giant bonfire. Toss your flames at my command. Death by burning is our verdict Starting with the bitch in charge While we're

22:10 Dylan: alive they'll never have the laugh on this old geezer Remember when the Spartans first attempted such a seizure? They came on big but went out small Their reputation shot we didn't even let them keep a rag to wipe their snot.

22:25 Mark: Ranks in order. Siege positions. Just the way we did it then Let these women beat us now and all our reputation's gone the goal of

22:33 Aaron: our journey's around the bend but the steepest part's at the very end Our shoulders are aching we're out of fuel it would have been smarter to bring a mule but keep it moving all the same and don't forget to fan the flame there's little point in climbing higher Than finding out, out We've lost our fire. God, the smoke.

22:52 Wes: The smoke's rushing out like a raving bitch and biting our eyes with an awful itch can't see where we're going it seems to us we're climbing the slopes of Vesuvius but hurry, onward anyhow We've got to save the goddess now Our Purple Hearts aren't worth a dime Unless we help her out this time God, the smoke.

23:13 Lucy: So, Dr. Seuss, isn't it?

23:15 Wes: Yeah, I know. That's my total.

23:17 Lucy: Theodore Geisel. Yep, there you go.

23:21 Mark: Now the fire is burning lively now the gods are on our side Stack the logs and set your torches Then we'll charge the gate like rams Open up, you wives or else we'll burn the gates and smoke you out. Place the logs in an orderly fashion Ah, the smoke is terrible. Can't the generals hear us? Won't they lift Some logs. Our arms are dead. Pot of coals, it's up to you now. Furnish fire, I'll lead the charge. Victory goddess, lend assistance, Help us beat these mutinous wives. A bunch of women emerge.

23:55 Erica: I think I see the smoke and rising flames. The siege is underway. We've got to hurry.

24:00 Emily: Faster, faster. We've got to fly or else our friends will surely die. Nasty elders have got a view to hold a female barbecue. We started early but might be late. We had to fill our pitchers. The well was jammed. We got delayed by slaves and pushy bitches Shouting, shoving, smashing pots, banging heads and rising knots. Now we're here with pitchers filled to keep our friends from being grilled.

24:23 Lucy: There they are, the demented bums. They're stacking logs to burn our chums Shouting threats of an awful kind to leave but ash and smoke behind. Oh God, spare the woman's life. They occupied your temple to save the Greeks from war and strife and madness pure and simple. Be our ally, help defend women fighting evil men. Help us with our pitchers filled to keep our friends from getting grilled.

24:46 Erica: Hold it, girls. What's this I see here? Men and evil bastards too.

24:53 Mark: What the hell is going on here? Where's this swarm of women from?

24:57 Erica: Scared of us? We're not so many. Still, there's more where we came from.

25:03 Mark: Boys, you hear all this babble? Someone bash her with a log.

25:07 Emily: Put your pictures on the ground, girls. Looks as if they want to fight.

25:11 Aaron: How'd you like to have your mouth shut? Two or three punches oughta do it.

25:15 Emily: Come on, hit me. I'm not moving. I would love to chew your balls.

25:20 Mark: Quiet, or I'll bust your wrinkles.

25:22 Erica: Go ahead, just lift your hand.

25:24 Aaron: What about my knuckles? What then?

25:27 Emily: Wanna have your guts pulled out?

25:29 Wes: Tragic poets have a saying. Nothing's wilder than a woman.

25:33 Erica: Come on, girls, let's lift our pitchers.

25:35 Mark: What's this water for? You bitch.

25:37 Erica: What's this fire, you mausoleum.

25:39 Mark: Just a pyre for your friends.

25:42 Erica: I'm about to douse your pyre.

25:44 Mark: Douse it?

25:45 Erica: That's exactly right.

25:47 Mark: How'd you like your hair on fire?

25:49 Erica: Get some soap. I've got your bath.

25:51 Mark: Bath, you crone.

25:53 Erica: You really need one.

25:55 Aaron: Listen to her.

25:57 Erica: I've a right.

25:58 Mark: Quiet.

25:59 Emily: You're not judging.

26:00 Seth: Juri, burn her hair.

26:03 Erica: And now the bath.

26:05 Mark: God damn.

26:07 Erica: I hope we didn't scald you.

26:09 Mark: Scald us? Stop. We've had enough.

26:12 Erica: Maybe now you'll start to blossom.

26:14 Mark: No, we'll wither up instead.

26:17 Erica: You brought the fire. Warm yourselves.

26:24 Mark: Hey, look it's the magistrate.

26:27 Seth: I hear our spoiled wives are out of hand. Another phony festival for their wine God. A noisy rooftop party for Adonis. Just like the one that spoiled our assembly. That ill starred, foolish politician moved. We sailed to Sicily while his wife was dancing and yelling for Adonis. When he said, let's muster troops for this armada. His wife was on the rooftop getting drunk and yelling, oh, doomed youth. But he persisted. The goddamn stubborn, hot headed son of a bitch. That's just the kind of mischief wives can make.

27:11 Mark: And wait till I tell you what they did to us. They treated us like slaves and dumped their pitchers all over us and soaked our clothes through so anyone would say we pissed our pants.

27:23 Seth: Well, it serves you right. I swear by the salty sea God, we men have only got ourselves to blame. We virtually teach our wives to misbehave. And so they're always nurturing their plots. What do we say when we visit the marketplace? Oh, goldsmith, about that locket I bought from my wife was having a ball the other night and it seems this bolt here slipped right out of its hole. I've gotta leave. I'm traveling up to Bangor. I'd be grateful if you'd visit her some night with the proper tool and fix the hole that needs it. Another husband visits his local shoemaker, a half grown boy with a very full grown cock.

Say, shoemaker, about this pair of slippers. My wife complains the orifice grips too tight. Her skin is very soft. While I'm at work, please loosen up her orifice a bit. It's this complacency that leads to trouble. So here I am, supplier for the army in need of public funds. And now I find the women shut me out of the treasury. I'm wasting time. You slaves bring on the crowbars. I'll put a stop to all this female foolery. You bozo, look alive. And you as well. Stop wondering if there are any bars around. Pick up those crowbars, take them to the gate and pry it open.

Here, I'll show you how I'll help you pry.

29:00 Lucy: No need for any prying. I'm coming out myself. No need for crowbars. We don't need force, but rather brains and sense.

29:08 Seth: Oh, that's so you bitch. I'm calling a policeman. Arrest this woman. Put the handcuffs on.

29:16 Lucy: By the goddess, if he lays a hand on me, policeman or no policeman, he'll regret it.

29:21 Seth: Oh, come on, can you be scared of her? Go on, grab her. And you there, help him out.

29:27 Erica: Hog tie this woman by the Goddess, if you even raise your hand to her, I'll beat you till you shit your pants.

29:36 Seth: What? Shit my pants? Another policeman. Here, grab this one first. The one with the dirty mouth.

29:43 Emily: By the Goddess, if you lay a fingertip on her, you'll need an ice bag for both eyes.

29:49 Seth: Where did she come from? Police, arrest this woman. Who's ever on this outing, I'll arrest By the Goddess.

29:56 Erica: If you make a move toward her, I'll pull your hair out until you're bloody bald.

30:02 Seth: Oh my God. I'm out of cops. I'm in a fix. I cannot let myself be scre by women. We need a full scale charge. Attention, Huns, prepare to charge.

30:17 Lucy: As you will quickly see, we too have troops. Four companies of women. They're fully armed and on alert. Inside.

30:24 Seth: Go forward, Huns, and twist their arms behind them.

30:29 Lucy: Come forward, allied women, on the double. You, market women, meter maids, bag ladies.

30:34 Erica: You, you.

30:34 Lucy: Check out girls, mud wrestlers and waitresses. Attack them. Stomp them. Chew them. Beat them up.

30:40 Mark: There's a fight.

30:49 Lucy: Cease fire. Cease fire. Stand at ease. Don't chase them down.

30:56 Seth: Alas, my Huns are utterly defeated.

30:59 Lucy: But what did you expect? Did you imagine that we were slaves? Or did you think that women cannot show courage?

31:06 Seth: Courage. Yes, indeed. Provided there's a lot of booze inside. Em.

31:11 Mark: Why waste your breath, my magistrate? Why argue with these bitches? You know the kind of bath we took without that kind of soft soap.

31:19 Erica: Dear sir, it's impolite to raise your hand against your neighbors. Try that again, we'll punch you out. Though we prefer decorum. We promise to be meek as girls, so don't stir up a mare's nest.

31:32 Wes: King of the gods. These women are beasts. We need a plan, to say the least. Let's try to find out what they're angry about. Why they're raising hell on our sacred citadel.

31:42 Mark: Now question her and test her answers. And don't be buffaloed. It's bad enough they've gone this far. We mustn't let it go.

31:49 Seth: All right. First, I'd like to know the reason why you took the citadel.

31:56 Lucy: Confiscation of the money. Thus we put a stop to war.

32:02 Seth: Money's causing war?

32:04 Lucy: Exactly. Also the political mess. Generals and politicians argue war so they can steal. Go ahead and fight. But henceforth, no more money leaves this place.

32:15 Seth: Oh, you will keep it.

32:18 Lucy: No, we'll save it.

32:21 Seth: Save it?

32:22 Lucy: What's so strange in that? Don't we manage? Household money.

32:26 Seth: Not the same how, sir? But it's war.

32:30 Lucy: Stop the bloody War.

32:33 Seth: Well, then? Who will save us?

32:36 Lucy: We will.

32:39 Seth: You?

32:40 Lucy: That's right.

32:42 Seth: My God.

32:44 Lucy: What's your choice?

32:45 Erica: You're mad.

32:47 Lucy: Be angry nonetheless. We must.

32:50 Seth: No way.

32:51 Lucy: I must.

32:54 Seth: If I refuse?

32:55 Lucy: I'd like that.

32:58 Seth: Dare you speak of war and peace? Yes. Make it fast.

33:05 Lucy: I'll do that. Calm yourself.

33:07 Seth: It's difficult. Itchy fists.

33:11 Erica: You risk a beating.

33:13 Seth: Shut up. Bag you.

33:15 Erica: Look.

33:15 Seth: You talk, I will.

33:19 Lucy: All along we kept our silence. Acquiesced, as nice wives should. Or else, although we didn't like it, you would escalate the war. We would ask you so politely, even though it hurt inside. Darling, what's the latest war news? What did all you men decree? Anything about a treaty? Then you'd say, what's that to you? Shut up. And I'd shut up.

33:39 Emily: Not me.

33:41 Seth: Yeah. Then I'd smack you.

33:43 Lucy: There you are. Then we'd hear some even worse news. So we'd say, how stupid, dear. Then you'd give us dirty looks and say, go amend my pants or else. War is strictly for the men folk.

33:55 Seth: Right we were, you stupid fool.

33:58 Lucy: We were quite prepared to warn you. You refused to hear advice. Then disaster throughout the city. All our boys are gone. You cried. That's when all the wives decided we must act to save the Greeks. Thus we're here. No point in waiting. Wanna hear some good advice? Shut your mouth the way we used to. Let us save you from yourselves.

34:19 Seth: Why you save us? That's madness.

34:22 Lucy: Shut up.

34:24 Seth: Me shut up for you? You skirt. Let me die before that happens.

34:29 Lucy: Oh, it's my skirt that bothers you? Give the man a skirt and a bonnet. Maybe that'll shut him up.

34:35 Emily: Here's a sewing basket also.

34:38 Seth: Quit it now.

34:38 Lucy: He needs some chewing gum. Put a little lipstick on him.

34:41 Emily: Stuff your hankies down.

34:42 Lucy: His shirt wore is strictly for the women.

34:45 Erica: Women, arise. Let go your jars. It's time to help these friends of ours.

34:50 Emily: I'm dancing forever. I'll never retreat, never be tired or get cold feet. I'm ready to strive for the cause of the wives who are decent, smart,

35:00 Erica: patriotic, bold of heart, Most valiant child of bold foremothers. No. Slow down or retreat. You've got him where you want him. Now you're in the driver's seat.

35:12 Lucy: Goddess of sex and sweet desire, breathe upon our breasts and flanks. Give our husbands lasting hard ons. Help us make them leave the ranks.

35:22 Seth: What's your plan?

35:25 Lucy: My first requirement. Soldiers, leave the marketplace.

35:28 Erica: Hear, hear.

35:30 Lucy: They strut about in armor, pushing shoppers and smashing goods.

35:35 Seth: Manly men.

35:36 Lucy: Oh, but pretty comics stacking Burgers on their shields.

35:40 Emily: God, I've seen those grand lieutenants use their helmets for a bowl. Mercenary slap. The salesgirls never even pay their bill.

35:51 Seth: You can stop these wartime hardships. I'm together. Sure, and how?

35:57 Lucy: Open up your sewing basket. See the skein of tangled wool? Put it to the spindle this way. Wind it here. Now wind it there. Thus the war can be unravelled. Making truces here and there, skeins and spindles.

36:11 Seth: I don't get it.

36:13 Lucy: Sense and skill is all you need, Armin.

36:16 Seth: Show me.

36:18 Lucy: Gladly. First you wash the city as we wash the wool, cleaning out the bullshit. And then we pluck away the parasites. Break up the strands that clump together, forming special interest groups. Here's a bozo. Squeeze his head off. Now you're set to card the wool. Use your basket for the carding. The basket of solidarity. There we put our migrant workers, foreign friends, minorities, immigrants and wage slaves. Every person useful to the state. Don't forget our allies either. Languishing like separate strands. Bring it all together now and make one giant ball of yarn. Now you're ready. We've a brand new suit for all the citizens.

36:58 Seth: War is not the same as wool balls. What do women know of war?

37:04 Lucy: Even more than you do, asshole. First of all, we make the children. Then we send them off to war. And they.

37:09 Seth: All right, all right, that's enough. I take your point.

37:12 Lucy: What about the young wives? They waste their prime of life in solitude. What about the girls who'll grow old long before they find a man?

37:20 Seth: Men get old too.

37:22 Lucy: That's quite different. Men can always get a girl. Even greybeards. Girls don't have that luxury. Their time is short. Men won't marry older girls. They pine away in spinsterhood.

37:33 Seth: Lucky men. For us, it's easy. All we need is in our pants.

37:38 Lucy: Time for you to die, old geezer. Fit your coffin. Here's a gravesite. We'll arrange the funeral. Put a lily in his hand.

37:45 Erica: Here's a wreath.

37:47 Emily: And here's a Bible. Hey, what are you waiting for?

37:50 Lucy: You're dead. Off to the big bureaucracy in the sky. You're holding up St. Peter.

37:56 Seth: You haven't heard the last of this. Outrageous. By God. I'll show the other magistrates exactly what you've done to me. So there.

38:06 Lucy: I hope you won't complain about your funeral. We did our best. I'll tell you what. We'll hold a proper service at your grave. A dance.

38:15 Mark: Wake up, men. Defend our manhood. Strip for action. Dance away.

38:20 Wes: There's More to this outbreak than you might guess. We're sure that these women are terrorists. The Spartans have managed to infiltrate our houses and women. And next, the state. The citadel seizure. We understand they're putting an end to our pension plan.

38:35 Mark: Outrageous that these women dare to prate of war and peace in governing the state. And then they tell us we should make a deal with commies who are slipperier than an eel. It's nothing but a plan for tyranny. While I'm alive, they won't do that to me. I'll fight these women with my dying breath. For I say, give me liberty or give me death. I'm standing tall, a loyal patriot. If you don't like it, I'll kick you in the butt.

39:03 Erica: You'll soon be running home to mommy. Strip for action, girls, and dance.

39:08 Emily: A debt to our country we must repay. So we've good advice for you all today. We're healthy and happy and well to do. And all our successes we owe to you. Our schools and our temples, our social lives. They all helped to make us your perfect wives with good advice.

39:26 Erica: We want to pay you back. Don't worry that it comes from Jill, not Jack. Consider it on its merits anyway. We bear the children and deserve our say. What contribution do these old men make? They never seem to give, but only take. We pay for their laws, their wars, their theft. And they'll keep taking till there's nothing left. Old men, I warn you, better hold your peace. You make a sound, we'll kick you in your teeth.

39:56 Dylan: I've seen a lot of arrogance, but this outdoes it all. We've got to beat them down to size. If we still got the balls.

40:03 Mark: Take your shirts off, you're not tacos. Let them whiff your manly smell. Now disrobing.

40:15 Wes: We once were Athenian raiders. We dealt mercilessly with traitors. Let's do it again. Pretend we're young men, not washed up old alligators.

40:24 Mark: We can't afford to let them get the jump. For women are a match for any hump. They might build submarines and strike below. We wouldn't know just when to expect a blow. We'd hate to face equestrian encounters. For women are indomitable mounters. You'll never shake them off once they get on. Just look at the pictures of the Amazons. We must move now to make their plot a wreck. So let's move out and grab them by the neck.

40:48 Emily: Go on and get our fire going and pull the bitch's tail. Then all your buddies get to hear how loud you weep and wail.

40:56 Erica: Take your skirts off. Don't be modest. Let them whiff an angry sow.

41:03 Emily: We wait for the note of your clarion, you nattering octogenarian. Just give us a chance to pull down your pants and deliver your balls by Caesarean.

41:12 Erica: And anyway, your efforts are for naught. The wives are carrying out a foolproof plot. Pass all the laws you want and call for war. The decent folks will only hate you more. Just yesterday I had a picnic planned for a lovely visitor from a foreign land. In fact, a pot of Theban caviar, but nothing doing. That's against your law. You'll keep on regulating us, no doubt, till someone picks you up and throws you out.

41:42 Mark: And several days pass.

41:45 Emily: Hail, leader of our common enterprise. But why emerge? How come you look so sad?

41:51 Lucy: The wives reveal their baseness and grow weak. It's got me down. I don't know what to do.

41:57 Erica: What's that you say?

41:58 Lucy: It's true, it's true.

42:00 Erica: Let's hear it all. We're friends that you can trust.

42:04 Lucy: Ashamed to speak, but risky to keep quiet.

42:07 Erica: Don't hide a crisis that affects us all.

42:10 Lucy: I'll make it short. They're dying to get laid.

42:13 Emily: Oh, gods.

42:15 Lucy: I doubt the gods can get us out of this. I certainly can't keep on withholding wives from husbands. They're determined to escape. I caught one by that grotto with a shovel, scraping away and widening her hole. Another one was climbing on that pulley, pulling herself off. And another one got on a giant bird. She said, take me to a whorehouse. Luckily I grabbed her hair. And every excuse for going home there is, they'd make. I think that's one of them right now.

42:40 Emily: Hey, you.

42:41 Lucy: Where to?

42:44 Emily: I've got to run back home. My bolts of woolen cloth, the finest kind, are very much in need of mothballs.

42:51 Lucy: Mothballs? Get back in here.

42:54 Emily: I swear I'll come right back. Just let me spread my wool out on the bed.

42:59 Lucy: You won't be spreading anything nor be leaving.

43:03 Emily: But then my wool will go to waste.

43:05 Lucy: So be it.

43:07 Erica: Stupid me, forgetting to tenderize the meat. I've got to go and beat it.

43:11 Lucy: Here's another who forgot to beat her meat. Get back inside.

43:15 Erica: I swear I'll be right back. Just let me. Let me roll it in my hands a bit.

43:19 Emily: No, keep your hands to yourself.

43:21 Lucy: If you do this, then all the wives will want to do the same.

43:26 Emily: Oh, goddess of labor, hold my pains a while till I can get to a proper birthing place.

43:32 Lucy: Hey, what's all this yelling.

43:35 Emily: I'm having a baby now.

43:38 Lucy: But yesterday you were skinny.

43:41 Emily: Not today. I've got to see the doctor. Dear Lysistrata, please send me home.

43:47 Lucy: Let's have a look at you. What's this? Sounds like metal.

43:53 Emily: It's a boy.

43:56 Lucy: I swear. You've got some hollow metal thing beneath your dress. Let me pull it up and see you. Card. You've still got Athena's helmet there. Are you still pregnant?

44:06 Emily: Yes, indeed I am.

44:08 Lucy: Then what's the helmet for?

44:10 Emily: In case the baby comes while I'm here. Then I deliver it into the helmet. Like a nesting bird.

44:18 Lucy: Preposterous. An obvious excuse. You'll have to exercise the nesting option.

44:24 Emily: I can't get any sleep here on the citadel. Not since I saw the goddess's sacred snake.

44:31 Erica: You know I can't sleep either. I toss and turn all night with the hooting of sacred owls. Enough.

44:38 Lucy: I won't hear any more excuses. You miss your husbands, fine. But don't you know they miss you too? I'm sure the nights they spend are miserably lonely. Please hold out. Please bear with it a little while longer. I've got a prophecy here predicting the victory, provided we stay together. You want to hear it?

44:56 Emily: Let's hear the prophecy.

44:58 Lucy: Be quiet then. Yea, when the birds shall hole up in a single place, fleeing the eagles and keeping themselves quite chaste, then shall their problems be solved. They'll be on top, so says the

45:11 Erica: king of the gods we'll be on top of.

45:15 Lucy: But if the birds start to argue and fly away down from the citadel. Holy all we'll say no bird more disgusting and shameless lives today.

45:29 Emily: Pretty explicit prophecy, my God.

45:32 Lucy: So let's hear no more talk of backing out. We'll all go back inside. For what a shame, dear friends, if we betray the prophecy.

45:42 Seth: I want to tell you all a tale. I heard it as a lad. Once there was a man called Black who lived as a nomad, faithful dog, his company he hunted and he roamed. He made his nets and set his traps, but never would go home because he hated women so. And that's where he was wise. We follow Black's example in that women we despise.

46:15 Mark: How about a kiss, old ghoul?

46:17 Erica: Wash your mouth out first, you fool.

46:20 Mark: I've got something for you.

46:21 Aaron: Here.

46:22 Erica: All I see is pubic hair.

46:25 Seth: That's right.

46:26 Mark: I'm bushy down below. But manly men are always so. Whenever I display my buns, the enemy drops his spear and runs.

46:36 Emily: Our hero answers all your Tales about that other dope. His name was Timon and he was a total misanthrope. He wandered in the mountains too, and acted very mean. If anybody crossed his path, he picked their carcass clean. He couldn't stand men's evil ways, but women he enjoyed. We too, stand up for principles of which you are devoid.

46:57 Erica: You want me to redo your nose?

47:00 Mark: No way. It doesn't need your blows.

47:03 Erica: So how about a stomping then?

47:05 Mark: Your bush resembles a pig pen.

47:08 Erica: You liar. That's a blatant slander. Just go ahead and take a gander. My hair may be white as snow, but I keep myself well groomed below.

47:17 Lucy: Hey, women.

47:18 Emily: Women.

47:19 Lucy: Come take a look.

47:20 Emily: Come quick.

47:22 Erica: What's happening? What's the fuss about?

47:24 Lucy: A man is coming. By the look of him, he's suffering from satirasis. O goddess of love. And pangs of sweet desire make this man's journey straight and very upright.

47:36 Emily: Where is he? Whoever he is, he's by that cave.

47:40 Erica: I see him now. Who is he?

47:42 Lucy: Anyone know?

47:44 Seth: Oh God.

47:45 Emily: I do. That's my own husband.

47:47 Mark: Rod.

47:49 Lucy: You've got to light his fire. Get him hot. Do everything that turns him on. Except the thing. You're under oath not to. Okay?

47:57 Emily: Don't worry. I can do it.

48:00 Mark: Very well.

48:01 Lucy: While you get ready, I'll try to get him ready and warm him up a bit. Now, out of sight.

48:06 Aaron: Oh, woe is me. I've got a terrible cramp. It's like I'm being broken on the rack.

48:14 Lucy: Who enters our defense perimeter?

48:18 Aaron: Me.

48:19 Lucy: A man.

48:21 Aaron: Just look.

48:23 Lucy: In that case, please depart.

48:25 Aaron: Who is telling me to leave?

48:28 Lucy: The daytime guard.

48:30 Aaron: I've come for Myrrhine. Tell her that I'm here.

48:34 Lucy: You give me orders. Who do you think you are?

48:37 Aaron: Her husband, Rodney Bolling from Bangtown.

48:41 Lucy: Oh, a lovely name. You know, we consider it our very favorite topic of conversation. Your wife has little else to upon her lips. She'll eat bananas or a peanut. Sighing. If only this were really Bolling.

48:55 Aaron: Oh God.

48:57 Lucy: Yes, sir. And anytime the conversation turns to men, your wife speaks up forthwith and says compared to Bolling, nothing else exists.

49:07 Aaron: Please call her out.

49:10 Lucy: Got anything for me?

49:11 Aaron: Indeed I do. You're very welcome too. What's mine is yours. How's this? It's what I've got.

49:21 Lucy: Oh, I think I'll call your wife. Hold on.

49:24 Aaron: Be quick. I have no joy or pleasure in my life since Myrrhine has departed from my house. I open the door and start to cry. It looks so empty. Then I try to Eat. But I can hardly taste the food. I'm horny.

49:41 Emily: I love him dearly, but he doesn't want to love me back. Don't make him see me, please.

49:48 Aaron: Oh, pussikins. My darling. What's the matter? Come down here.

49:54 Emily: I'm not coming anywhere.

49:57 Aaron: You won't obey me when I say to come.

50:01 Emily: I fail to see a reason for your summons.

50:04 Aaron: A reason? Don't you see the shape I'm in?

50:08 Emily: Goodbye.

50:10 Aaron: No, wait. Perhaps you'll want to hear from Junior. Come on, yell for Mommy, kid.

50:17 Seth: Mommy.

50:17 Aaron: Mommy.

50:18 Erica: Mommy.

50:20 Aaron: Well, what's the matter? Don't you pity him? You know he's been six days without your breasts.

50:28 Emily: I feel for Junior, but it's very clear you don't.

50:32 Aaron: Get down here, woman. See your child.

50:37 Emily: Oh, motherhood. What a drag. I'll be right down.

50:42 Aaron: She seems much sexier and even younger than I remember. Very tasty looking. She acted tough and very haughty too. But that just makes me want her even more.

50:54 Emily: Oh, poor sweetie pie. Such a lousy father. I'll kiss and cuddle you, my darling child.

51:01 Aaron: What the hell you think you're doing, listening to those women? You only piss me off and hurt yourself as well.

51:09 Emily: Don't lay your hands on me.

51:12 Aaron: You know our home's an utter mess. You just let everything go.

51:17 Emily: It doesn't bother me.

51:18 Aaron: Doesn't bother you that all your clothes were dragged away by chickens?

51:23 Emily: Not at all.

51:25 Aaron: And worse, your sacred duty as my mate has been neglected. Thus you must return.

51:33 Emily: I'm going nowhere till you swear on oath to vote to end the war.

51:39 Aaron: I'll maybe do that if it's appropriate.

51:43 Emily: Then maybe I'll go home, if it's appropriate. But now I'm sworn to stay.

51:49 Aaron: Okay. At least lie down with me a while.

51:53 Emily: I won't. But I don't say I wouldn't like to.

51:57 Aaron: Hey, you would. Then why not do it pussy mine?

52:03 Emily: Oh, really, Rod? In front of Junior here?

52:06 Aaron: Of course not. Nurse, take Junior home at once.

52:09 Lucy: All right.

52:09 Aaron: The kid's no longer in our way. Let's do it.

52:12 Emily: Do it where? You silly man. It's public here.

52:15 Aaron: You're right. Hey, there's a cave.

52:19 Emily: I must be pure to re enter the citadel.

52:21 Aaron: Then purify yourself in the sacred spring over there.

52:27 Emily: But what about my oath? I won't be perjured.

52:31 Aaron: A woman's oath means nothing. I'm not worried.

52:36 Emily: Well, let me get a bed.

52:38 Aaron: But I don't need one. The ground's okay by me.

52:42 Emily: Oh, I wouldn't dream of making you lie there, though. You deserve it.

52:46 Aaron: She really loves me. That's quite obvious.

52:51 Emily: Your bed, sir. Lie right down, I'll tuck you in. Oh, but I forgot. What is it? Yes, A mattress.

52:59 Aaron: A mattress? None for me, thanks.

53:01 Emily: Oh, I'm uncomfortable on box springs.

53:04 Aaron: Just give me a little kiss.

53:07 Lucy: Okay.

53:09 Aaron: Oh, Lordy, get me a mattress, quick.

53:13 Emily: And here it is. Stay down while I undress. Oh, but I forgot. What is it? Yes, a pillow.

53:20 Aaron: I'm all set. I don't need a pillow.

53:23 Emily: I do.

53:24 Aaron: It's like a restaurant where they serve no food.

53:28 Emily: Lift up. Now up. Well, now I think I'm all set.

53:35 Aaron: I know I am. Come here to papa, darling.

53:39 Emily: I'm taking off my bra, but don't forget, don't lie to me about your vote for peace.

53:47 Aaron: May lightning strike me.

53:52 Emily: You don't have a blanket?

53:54 Aaron: It's not a blanket.

53:55 Dylan: I wanna.

53:55 Aaron: Wanna get fucked.

53:57 Emily: That's just what's going to happen. Back in a flash.

54:02 Aaron: That woman drives me nuts with all of her bedding.

54:08 Emily: Get up now.

54:10 Aaron: But I've already got it up.

54:14 Emily: You want some perfume?

54:16 Aaron: Thank you, no, I don't.

54:19 Emily: But I do. If it's all the same to you,

54:22 Aaron: then get the goddamn perfume. Jesus Christ.

54:27 Emily: Hold out your hand and save a bit for me.

54:31 Aaron: I don't like perfume as a general rule. Unless it smells like love is in the air.

54:38 Emily: Oh, silly me. I must have brought Brand X.

54:42 Aaron: No, wait, I like it.

54:45 Emily: You're just being polite.

54:46 Aaron: God damn the guy who first invented perfume.

54:50 Emily: Ooh, I found some good stuff. Here's the tube.

54:53 Aaron: Here's mine. Come on now, let's lie down. There's nothing more to fetch.

55:00 Emily: You're right, I will. I'll be right there, taking off my shoes. Remember, dear, your promise to vote for peace.

55:10 Aaron: I surely will. Where. Where are you? Myrrhine. Myrrhine. Where's my Myrrhine? She pumped me up and dropped me flat. I'm ruined. What'll I do?

55:24 Emily: No one to screw.

55:26 Aaron: I've lost the sexiest girl I knew. Michael, that cock is an orphan. It couldn't be worse.

55:31 Emily: I'll just have to get him a practical nurse.

55:34 Mark: Frightful deceit. Pity on you. We cannot imagine what to do. What balls can endure being treated this way without any chance of an actual lay.

55:46 Aaron: Oh, God, the cramps attack anew.

55:50 Mark: A dirty bitch did this to you?

55:53 Aaron: Oh, no, she's really sweet and kind, that bitch.

55:58 Mark: You must have lost your mind.

56:00 Aaron: You're right. A bitch is what she is. I'll put a curse upon that miz I pray for a tornado with lightning bolts and all to lift her into heaven and then to let her fall way down and down. She's falling above a giant rock and when she's almost on it, I pray she hits my cock.

56:25 Mark: At this point a foreign looking gentleman enters a sentry.

56:29 Seth: Direct me please to party headquarters. Where are your commissars? You will speak, please.

56:36 Aaron: Who the hell are you? A man or a Freudian nightmare?

56:40 Seth: I am a herald from Sparta. You very cute monkman. I come with orders to propose a treaty.

56:48 Aaron: Oh, that's why you got that tommy gun in there.

56:51 Seth: He's not weapon.

56:53 Aaron: Turn around. Let's see what's pushing out your trousers. What's. What's in there? Your lunchbox.

56:59 Seth: This young man is obviously intoxicated.

57:04 Aaron: That's a hard on rogue.

57:06 Seth: Don't be silly, please. Is no such thing.

57:09 Aaron: Then what do you call that?

57:12 Seth: Is my attaches.

57:15 Aaron: Ah, well, if that's the case, then I've got one just like it. But let's come clean, okay? I know what's up. How fare you all in happy Sparta, sir?

57:28 Seth: Not well. The comrades rise. Also the allies. We all have hard on pussy shortage.

57:36 Aaron: What's wrong? Some difficulty with your five year plan?

57:41 Seth: Oh, no. Was dissidents. Was Lampito. She led the women comrades in a plot. They take an oath of solidarity. Keep men away from warm and furry place.

57:55 Aaron: What happened?

57:56 Seth: Now we suffer. Walk around like men with hernia problem all bent over. The women won't permit to touch the pussy. Till each and every party member swear to make bilateral disarmament.

58:11 Aaron: So this is global. A vast conspiracy devised by women. Ah, now I see it all. Go quickly back to Sparta for the truce. Arrange to send ambassadors with full powers. And I will so instruct our leaders here to name ambassadors. I'll show them this, good sir.

58:28 Seth: I fly away. You offer good advice.

58:32 Mark: No animal exists more stubborn than a woman. Not even fire. Nor any panther is quite as shameless.

58:39 Erica: You seem to understand this. But still you keep on fighting. It's possible bad man to have our lasting friendship.

58:47 Mark: I'll never cease to loathe the female sex.

58:50 Erica: That's up to you, I guess. But meanwhile, I don't like this sight of you undressed. Just look at you. How silly. I simply must come over and put your shirt back on. Oh,

59:10 Seth: Thank you. By God.

59:11 Mark: I'd have to say that's no bad thing you did. And now I'm sorry. I took it off before in anger.

59:18 Erica: And now you look like a man again. And not so comic. And if you hadn't been so hostile, I'd have removed that bug in your eye, which I could see. See is still in there.

59:29 Mark: So that's what's been rubbing me the wrong way. Here's my ring. Please dig it out of my eye and then I want to see it. By God, that thing's been biting at my eye a long time.

59:41 Erica: You're very welcome. Stand still. What a grumpy man. Great gods. It's huge thing. A genuinely king sized gnat. And there it comes. Look at it. Isn't it Brobdingnagian?

59:57 Aaron: That's what I was thinking.

1:00:00 Mark: You've helped me out a lot. That thing's been digging wells and now it's removed. My eyes are streaming tears.

1:00:07 Erica: There, there, you naughty man. I'll wipe your tears away and kiss you.

1:00:12 Mark: I don't want to kiss.

1:00:14 Erica: I'll kiss you anyway.

1:00:19 Mark: You got me. Damn you. Women know how to get what they want. That ancient adage puts it well and sums it up. Women are bad. You can't live with them, you can't live without them. But now let's have a truce. We promise never again to flout you and you promise never again to hit us. So now let's get together and sing a happy song.

1:00:40 Wes: No citizen need fear from us the slightest castigation. In recent times we've had our fill of trial and tribulation. Instead, if any man and wife should need some extra dough, we'll gladly let you have what's in our piggy banks at home. And when the war is over with, don't bother to repay. For what we have to loan you now is nothing Anyway, tomorrow night we'll

1:01:04 Emily: have a feast, a real celebrity ball. We'll roast a pig and make some soup. We'll have enough for all.

1:01:10 Dylan: So get up early, bathe the kids and bathe yourselves as well. Then come on over, walk right in, you needn't ring the bell. Then straight on to the dining room as if it were your own. We'll treat you just as you'd treat us.

1:01:22 Emily: There'll be nobody home.

1:01:25 Mark: Here they come. Ambassadors from Sparta. Look, I see their beards. What's around their waists? They might be wearing pig pens under there. Ambassadors from Sparta. First are greetings. Then tell us please, what seems to be the matter?

1:01:40 Aaron: No use to waste a lot of time describing. It's best to show condition we are in.

1:01:49 Mark: Your problem's big and very hard. It looks to me like runaway inflation.

1:01:54 Aaron: Unspeakable. What can one say? We wish to talk of peace on any reasonable term.

1:02:02 Mark: And now I see our own ambassadors. They look like wrestlers. Hunkered down like that. Their pants appear to walk ahead of them. They suffer from a dislocated boner.

1:02:15 Seth: Can anyone direct me to Liz Estrada? It's obvious we need to find her fast.

1:02:21 Mark: Her syndrome seems to be the same as theirs. These spasms, are they worse in the wee hours?

1:02:27 Seth: Oh, they're always bad, getting even better. Unless we get a treaty pretty quick, we'll have to start resorting to each other.

1:02:37 Mark: We'll cover up. If you've got any sense, some fundamentalist might chop it off.

1:02:41 Seth: Oh my God. Oh, Christ. Good thinking.

1:02:44 Aaron: No, it's very straight advice. Come on, let's pull up the trousers.

1:02:50 Seth: Okay, okay, okay.

1:02:53 Lucy: So.

1:02:53 Seth: Okay. Greetings, Spartans. It's a shameful situation, huh?

1:02:59 Aaron: Da, comrade. Terrible. But would be worse if decadent religious ones had seen us.

1:03:07 Seth: All right. All right then, Spartans, it's time to play our cards.

1:03:12 Emily: The reason for your visit?

1:03:14 Aaron: Negotiation for peace.

1:03:16 Seth: Ah, that's very good. We want the same. Now we've got a call. Lysistrada. Lysistrata, however you pronounce it. For she alone can be our arbitrator.

1:03:30 Aaron: Lysistrata, Lysistrada, whoever.

1:03:34 Seth: Oh, it doesn't look as if we need to call her. She must have heard us. Here she comes herself.

1:03:39 Mark: Aye, Hail the bravest of all women. Now you must be more besides. Firm but soft, high class, but low brow, strict but lenient. Versatile Delegates from every city captured by your potent charms come before you and request your arbitration of their cause.

1:04:00 Lucy: My task will not be difficult since they're all aroused and not at one another's throats. How ripe are they? Where's the reconciliation? Take hold of the Spartans first and bring them here. Be gentle with your hand and don't pull hard. Don't grab and yank, the way men handle women, but use a woman's touch, like home sweet home. They won't extend a hand. Go further down. Now do the same for our Athenians. Whatever they extend, grab hold of that. Now, men of Sparta, stand here on my left and you stand on my right. Both parties listen.

1:04:37 Seth: All right, okay, okay.

1:04:38 Lucy: I'm a female, yes, but I've still got a brain. I'm not so badly off for judgment either. My father and some other elders too have given me a first rate education. In no uncertain terms, I must reproach you both sides, and rightly. Don't you share a cup at common altars for common gods, like brothers at The Olympic Games, Thermopylae and Delphi. I needn't list the many, many others. The world is full of foreigners you could fight. But it's Greek men and cities you destroy. And that's the first reproach I have for you.

1:05:13 Seth: Oh, my hard-on's absolutely killing me now.

1:05:18 Lucy: Spartans. My next reproach is aimed at you. Now, you must remember not so long ago you sent a man to Athens begging us on bended knee and whiter than a ghost to send an army. All your slaves were up in arms when that big earthquake hit you. We sent you help. 4000 infantry, a force that saved your entire country for you. And now you pay the Athenians back by ravaging their country. After all they did for yours.

1:05:48 Seth: Yeah, that's right, Lysistrata. They're in the wrong.

1:05:53 Aaron: We're wrong. But take a look at that sweet ass.

1:05:57 Lucy: Oh, really? Yeah. No. Do the Athenians think that I'll let you off?

1:06:03 Seth: Oh, please, let us off.

1:06:05 Lucy: Not so long ago when you wore rags oppressed by tyranny and Spartans routed the army of occupation, destroying the tyrant's men and all his allies, and drove them out on a single glorious day and set you free and then replaced your rags with clothes befitting democratic people.

1:06:23 Aaron: I never saw so well endowed a woman.

1:06:26 Seth: I never saw a better looking pussy.

1:06:28 Lucy: Yeah, get a load of that. Considering all these mutual benefactions, why prosecute a war? Make more trouble? Why not make peace? What keeps you still apart?

1:06:40 Mark: Well, I see we have the ravishing naked woman here being used as a map.

1:06:44 Aaron: We must demand this promontory here returned to us.

1:06:48 Lucy: Which one?

1:06:50 Aaron: This one. In bag we count on having. We can almost feel it,

1:06:56 Seth: by the God of earthquakes, that you'll never get.

1:07:01 Lucy: You give it up, sir.

1:07:03 Seth: What do we get then?

1:07:05 Lucy: You'll ask for something that's of equal value.

1:07:08 Seth: All right, let's see now. Oh, I know, I know. Give us first of all the furry triangle here, the gulf that runs behind it, and also the two connecting legs.

1:07:25 Aaron: My dear ambassador. You want it all?

1:07:28 Seth: Yeah, you give it.

1:07:30 Lucy: Don't be squabbling over legs.

1:07:32 Seth: All right, I'm set to strip and do a little plowing.

1:07:37 Aaron: And me first. Before one plows, one spreads manure.

1:07:44 Lucy: When peace is made, you'll both do all you want. For now. Are all these items to your liking? If so, you'd best confer with all your allies.

1:07:54 Seth: Confer with allies? Too hard up for that. They'll go along with us then. I'm sure they're just as anxious to start fucking.

1:08:02 Aaron: Also, ours is certain.

1:08:05 Seth: Every Greek is fond of fucking.

1:08:08 Lucy: Oh, you argue well. And now for the ratification. The women on the citadel will host the banquet. For we brought our picnic boxes. You'll swear your oaths and make your pledges there. And then let everybody take his wife and go on home.

1:08:24 Seth: What are we waiting for?

1:08:26 Aaron: Please lead the way.

1:08:28 Seth: Oh, you better start running, then.

1:08:31 Wes: Fine gowns, embroidered shawls, kid gloves and lots of golden rings. If you've a debutante at home, you needn't buy these things. We've got a closet in the house. We've got a jewelry box. They're neither of them sealed so tight we couldn't pick the locks.

1:08:47 Emily: So come around. Feel free to take whatever you can find. You won't find much unless you have a sharper eye than mine.

1:08:54 Dylan: All those with many mouths to feed but nothing to provide. We bought a peck of wheat and made some bread to put aside so anyone who's poor can bring a basket or a tray. We've told our slaves to. To fetch the bread and give it all away. One thing we should have told you first. You can't get near the door. We've got a giant Doberman who doesn't like the poor.

1:09:17 Seth: Open up the gate. You. I should have gone. Out of my way, you slaves. Quit loafing. How'd you like your hair burned off? Oh, jeez. Slave beating. I mean, what a stale idea. Director. I won't do it. Ask the audience. All right, all right, all right. To please you, I'll go through with it.

1:09:40 Wes: We're right behind you. Glad to help you out. Get lost, you slaves. Your hair's in serious danger.

1:09:45 Seth: Get lost. Ach. Like the Spartans to depart from their banquet without stumbling over you.

1:09:55 Wes: I've never seen a banquet quite like this. The Spartans were a delightful company. And we were pretty clever over drinks.

1:10:02 Seth: That's right. You can't be clever when you're sober. I'm going to propose new legislation that diplomats conduct their business drunk. As things now stand, we go to Sparta sober and then look for ways to stir up trouble. And so whatever they say, we never hear it, but hunt for hidden meaning and what they don't say and then make contradictory reports. But now we're straightened out. If someone made a toast to workers rather than to profits, we cheered them anyway and raised our glasses. Now what's this? Those slaves are coming back again. We told you. Bugger off, whipping posts.

1:10:48 Wes: That's right. The Spartans are emerging now, comrade musician,

1:10:52 Aaron: ready to buy Lelykos. For now I dance and sing a happy song to honor Jointly, both are

1:10:58 Seth: superpowers Ah, splendid treats. Some balalaika music. I love to see you Spartans sing and dance.

1:11:11 Aaron: Holy memory, reveal the glories of yours as Spartans and Athenians won the Persian war O Athens met them on the sea Sparta held the land Although the Persian forces were more numerous than sand all the gods that helped us then we bid you visit us again to help us celebrate our peace and see that it will never cease. Now let mutual friendship reign Never fight in a war again With a stop to competition and all mutual suspicion Hear us God's loud and clear Witness what we promise here.

1:12:22 Lucy: Well, now that everything has turned out well, I reclaim your wives Here, Spartans, these are yours. Athenians, every husband join his wife and wife her husband Then let's have a dance and ask the gods to bless us Promising never again to make the same mistakes.

1:12:43 Mark: Form up the dance the graces call Summon Apollo who heals us all Artemis,

1:12:48 Emily: his twin sister too Bacchus with his

1:12:50 Wes: maenad crew Father Zeus with lightning crowned Hera Zeus wife renowned Summon every force

1:12:57 Erica: above Join us in our dance of

1:13:00 Dylan: love Peace and freedom are at hand

1:13:02 Seth: thanks to Aphrodite's plan what can we say? Hooray. Hooray.

1:13:08 Lucy: We also pray you like the play.

1:13:11 Seth: Hey, Spartan, what about another song?

1:13:14 Aaron: To Sparta? Muse, my song will roam Where Apollo has his southern home. Athena's house has brazen portals Zeus's twin sons of knights immortal Galloped by Eurotas river saddens Finding hearts a quiver. The heavenly dancers leap and shout like colts the maidens frisk about Rain and dust tossing their manes Possessed by Bacchus all insane Led by Zeus's holy child Helen Women's nonverile Hold your hair up with your hand Beat your feet throughout the night Hell Help the dancers make some noise Sing a song of joyous praise For Athena of Athens For Spartan Athena of the Bronze House.

1:14:50 Erica: Hooray.

1:14:51 Mark: Very, very nice. You guys have just a minute to stay on and share your reactions about the play itself.

1:14:57 Seth: Sure, sure.

1:14:58 Mark: Lucy, do you want to start us?

1:14:59 Lucy: Well, I was wondering about it being the man's view of women's wanting them so much is quite. Perhaps that's a modern sort of feminist thing to get uptight about. But things go just fine when everybody's. I suppose you want to get laid. But you know, there is the old dildo. She does mention that. Do you think women went to the theater? I guess they did, right?

1:15:23 Dylan: Actually, they didn't what?

1:15:26 Lucy: This is by men for men. It's crazy.

1:15:30 Dylan: It is crazy.

1:15:31 Erica: It's surprising that given that they still made the women not. They're not like crones. They all want sex too. So it's something that they're both having

1:15:38 Lucy: to give up gagging for it.

1:15:40 Erica: That's interesting for that time, mind you.

1:15:42 Lucy: There's no television.

1:15:44 Seth: Right.

1:15:44 Lucy: What else are you gonna do?

1:15:46 Mark: What'd you think, Emily?

1:15:47 Emily: Oh, well, it's tempting at first to sort of see it as a feminist play, but it's not really at all. It's not a feminist play at all. No. I think it's temporary. Yes.

1:16:00 Mark: Some gratuitous slave whipping.

1:16:01 Erica: Right. That's true.

1:16:04 Mark: Aaron, what'd you think?

1:16:05 Aaron: It's a lot of fun. It's certainly wild in terms of its greater meaning. I agree. I don't think that it's terribly feminist, but it has endured.

1:16:16 Lucy: I wonder how it would be if men were saying these lines dressed as women and how that would affect us as an audience.

1:16:25 Mark: Did they do the Monty Python female voices?

1:16:28 Lucy: I don't know. The old ladies could be funnier, right?

1:16:31 Wes: Yeah. It's a drag. I mean, there's a drag element, I think.

1:16:34 Emily: So would all the male characters have been wearing the comic phallus?

1:16:39 Seth: I think the ambassadors from Sparta and Athens would all come on wearing a fake phallus. Right.

1:16:45 Lucy: And of course, the women are all grabbing them by the dick when they're having the ratification.

1:16:49 Seth: Oh, yeah. All kinds of dick grabbing, for sure. Yeah. No, that's a very famous scene. Very funny. If you look online, you can find lots of pictures of various productions of that scene where they've created these hilarious, enormous phalluses for the cast to wear.

1:17:03 Emily: I wonder if a lot of the humor for the men who would have been watching this at the time would have been just in the fact that I think war. Like, they got a lot of sex on the road when they were waging war, did they not? I mean, and weren't there always, like, lots of whores around in ancient Greece for them to avail themselves of? I mean, isn't that part of why this is funny? And not subversive at all, really? Like, I could totally see a group of men just laughing. And a huge part of it would have been like, this is funny. Because, of course, women could never actually sees power this way because we don't need sex from our wives. That's not probably where most ancient Greeks got it anyway.

1:17:43 Seth: Not a bad point. Yeah.

1:17:44 Erica: Why was the play written? What was the purpose of It.

1:17:47 Mark: It was the Festival of Dionysus.

1:17:49 Aaron: It won first prize, Fringe festival.

1:17:53 Erica: Was it just a comic play or were they trying to say something greater and achieve something by it?

1:17:58 Seth: As Dylan pointed out in the beginning, it's really an anti war play. Aristophanes, from all we know, I guess, was an avid pacifist and he opposed particularly the Peloponnesian War, thought it was idiotic. And I think that's why he wrote this play.

1:18:13 Wes: Yeah. And this is quite a. From some of the secondary literature we're looking at in preparation for our discussion on Thursday. It's quite a radical point of view at this point because, I mean, Athens is actually in peril. And expressing anti war sentiment, I think could border on being seen as treasonous.

1:18:30 Lucy: That's why it had to be that subclass of women, because that's, as you were saying before, a ludicrous proposition that women would be able to take power that way.

1:18:38 Wes: It's still a way of expressing that opinion. And apparently comedies did this. They were a way to give voice to unpopular opinion. They were a way to critique society safely. And I think they even influenced the law in one case. I forget exactly what this was, but I think there is a law which actually referenced a comedy as the source of its wisdom. So it's a serious means of self critique. But Aristophanes has to find a way to do it that will not get him in trouble.

1:19:06 Aaron: It's been a pleasure working with all of you this evening.

1:19:09 Lucy: Thank you, everyone.

1:19:10 Emily: Yeah, thank you so much.

1:19:12 Dylan: Absolutely.

1:19:13 Mark: Is there stuff that folks want to plug? I know. Erica and Bill, you're in Carousel. How long does this go?

1:19:18 Erica: Right now it's open ended. Correct. Bill, you haven't heard anything, have you? We're still in previews for Carousel on Broadway. We open on April 12th.

1:19:29 Wes: Fantastic.

1:19:29 Dylan: Congratulations.

1:19:30 Emily: Yay. That's so cool.

1:19:33 Mark: Lucy, what is the thing that people should look out for you right now?

1:19:36 Lucy: Oh, I'm on Ash vs Evil Dead at the moment and we've just done a gender bender musical actually down here and thinking of taking it to Australia. So we've been. I've just been getting schooled in production and financing and all that kind of stuff. Man. It is not for the faint of

1:19:52 Emily: heart, that's for sure.

1:19:54 Seth: I didn't know you sing. Lucy, can you tell us about your songs?

1:19:57 Lucy: It's sort of a jukebox musical and it's called Pleasure Dome. So it's all that Frankie Goes to Hollywood sort of music from 1984. So, yeah, you know, when you sing the best is when you are up to your neck in, like, debt. And when everything's on the line, it's like, art has to hurt to be real somehow. Misery looks great on screen. It sounds great on stage, you know? So those miserable people are such great artists. Well, the surefire way to lift your game is that when you are under incredible strain, you know?

1:20:29 Erica: Yeah.

1:20:30 Lucy: Which everybody is on Broadway because you're all making 3 cents and paying 50 to the state and no one's getting paid anything.

1:20:41 Mark: And folks should keep an eye on nakedlyexaminedmusic.com My other podcast, where I will have talked about to Aaron David Gleason about his recent album, so you can hear him talking about his music at length.

1:20:52 Erica: Oh, fantastic.

1:20:54 Seth: That sounds phenomenal.

1:20:55 Erica: Yeah. Share it, please.

1:20:56 Lucy: When is it coming out, Aaron?

1:20:58 Aaron: It came out in October. It's called Rye observer and you can find it on Spotify or itunes or what have you.

1:21:07 Lucy: I'm looking you up now.

1:21:10 Emily: That's so cool.

1:21:11 Mark: And you should look at Emily, as my family just did recently. If the new movies, it is too scary for your kids. Watch the old miniseries because Emily is the girl in that thing.

1:21:24 Erica: What?

1:21:25 Emily: Wow, that's so awesome.

1:21:27 Seth: That's great.

1:21:28 Lucy: And ginger snaps. And ginger snaps back.

1:21:32 Aaron: Yes.

1:21:33 Lucy: That was a real breakout, wasn't it?

1:21:35 Emily: Yeah.

1:21:36 Mark: So you're teaching now, Emily, is that right?

1:21:38 Emily: Yeah, yeah, I'm a teacher now. I'm an elementary school teacher. Well, sometimes I'm in high schools, but mostly elementary school. I teach French, music block coding, and science to little kids.

1:21:49 Aaron: That is awesome.

1:21:50 Dylan: Very cool.

1:21:50 Emily: Thanks.

1:21:52 Mark: All right, any final thoughts? Thank you, every one of you.

1:21:55 Aaron: At the Podcast Awards, obviously,

1:22:01 Dylan: We'll invite you, for sure, Aaron.

1:22:03 Aaron: I'll be wearing a giant phallus, of course.

1:22:08 Mark: All right, well, good night, everybody.

1:22:10 Erica: Nice meeting you all.

1:22:12 Lucy: Good night, everybody.

1:22:14 Dylan: Thanks a lot.

1:22:14 Seth: Thanks, everybody.

1:22:16 Aaron: Good night.

1:22:17 Lucy: Bye, guys.

1:22:18 Wes: Thanks for coming on. This is. Yeah, this is great.

1:22:20 Emily: Bye, Wes. I'm such a fan girl of you all.

1:22:26 Dylan: Thanks for joining us.

1:22:28 Emily: Thank you. Bye.